I am working on a post about the time my mom and I thought we were going to blow up from a bomb. While that story is hilarious, I’m in a more pensive mood tonight.
So instead, I decided that an update on my journey with postpartum depression would be more appropriate.
But don’t worry. The bomb blog is coming.
I have been humbled to my knees with the response, and support, from people since posting my story back in August. To say I am overwhelmed would be a serious understatement. Never again will I question that God speaks through His people. Never again will I hesitate telling someone what the Holy Spirit has laid on my heart.
To say that I have completely healed from everything would be a lie. Things certainly are better than they once were.
I asked for friends to pray for my guilt, anxiety, and my time with the counselor. I think too many times we ask for prayer, but then never follow through with what the Lord has done through that. I want this post to glorify Him, that every one can see how He has been faithful with those prayers. Oh, how He has been faithful!
I am fighting a war with my daughter. I have gone into battle every single day.
In the beginning I tried to be strong for my daughter. I tried to remind myself that I am a tough woman, that I can get us through this, and see us through to the other side. I told myself that she will grow up and see my strength, and be encouraged by how persevering her mother is.
Oh, how foolish I was.
The day came when I finally recognized I could do NOTHING on my own. If I was strong, it was because He was strong through me. When I persevered, it was because I had let go and trusted Him. I realized there was nothing I could do, besides empty myself and hand my broken and bruised body over to the hands of The Mighty One.
He hushed me, cradled me, and sang over me. Much like I do to my daughter when she’s worked up. She will cry so hard that her eyes will be clamped shut, unaware of her surroundings. She will be completely slumped over in my arms, until I’m able to make her feel safe enough so she will sleep. He rocked me and held me until I realized that I needed to let go.
The Lord your God is with you,
the Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
in His love He will no longer rebuke you,
but will rejoice over you with singing.
My battle stance in this war with my daughter has not been a defensive one, attacking anything that comes my way with whatever strength I can muster. No, instead my stance has been one of kneeling down at the feet of Jesus, cradling Penelope in my arms, and giving EVERYTHING over to Him, including her. What a testimony I will have to tell my daughter someday. Not to show her how strong her mother was, but to show her how faithful our Savior is.
There is still healing that needs to take place. I still carry some guilt around with me every day. He is working on having me let ALL of that go to Him. I ask that you praise Him for where He has taken me, and pray that I continue to empty myself out to Him.
My anxiety has almost completely been healed. For that I am so very thankful.
As for the counselor, the times I spent with her were wonderful. I had to stop seeing her for insurance reasons, but I’m very glad God brought me to her. I would highly recommend her for anyone dealing with emotional issues. Here is her web address; http://www.shannonhermanlpc.com
Thank you, to everyone who has been a part of this journey. Thank you for reading my thoughts, sending words of encouragement, letting me in on your own personal stories, and praying on my behalf.
I’ll end with a song that has been on my mind for the last couple of days. A song that holds so much more meaning to me now.
Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to take Him at His Word;
Just to rest upon His promise,
And to know, “Thus saith the Lord!”
Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!
How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er;
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
Oh, for grace to trust Him more!
Oh, how sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to trust His cleansing blood;
And in simple faith to plunge me
’Neath the healing, cleansing flood!
Yes, ’tis sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just from sin and self to cease;
Just from Jesus simply taking
Life and rest, and joy and peace.
I’m so glad I learned to trust Thee,
Precious Jesus, Savior, Friend;
And I know that Thou art with me,
Will be with me to the end.